how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
