My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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