It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
