her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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