the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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