I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
