My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
