i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
