and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i think i just lost a toe