Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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