He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
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I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
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I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.