I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
