as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize