just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
