I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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