I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
