dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
