My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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