Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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