She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
