Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
