You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
