I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
