You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I still have a little drunk in my system
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
