The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My vagina is very pro this idea
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
