I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize