I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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