hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
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i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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