so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
