I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
