My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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