Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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