Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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