According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
