I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I need to stop coming to work sober
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
