I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
