i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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