I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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