So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
