I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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