we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
