I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
