We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
