i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
