i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
