I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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