the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
