hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
