Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
