I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
