did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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