I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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