No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
