I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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