Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
