Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
