someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
