You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what day is it and did you see me today?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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