So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
40s are totally the cure
I think my nap took me to another dimension
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
