when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
