Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
