I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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