One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
