I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
