She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
